Blogger’s Note: Today, you’ll hear from Benito Valdez, who is Fiona’s ex-flame. In Operation Pale Horse, he steps back into her life after a fifteen-year absence. But things aren’t exactly as he portrays, as is shown by his words below.

These past few years, I’ve thought a lot about what identity means. You see, I feel like I’ve lost who I am. Not the day-to-day person but who I am at the core. I’ve been at my current job as a cargo pilot for Pale Horse Exports for going on seven years now. About six or so years ago, I got asked—or maybe it’s told since to refuse would have been met with dire consequences—to join up on the more illicit side of Pale Horse by transporting drugs. You’re probably wondering why on earth I agreed or was even asked.

You see, I’m undercover DEA. For several years, we’ve known that Trig Rambler and Pale Horse Exports are dirty. We just haven’t had enough evidence to move in and make an arrest. That’s where I came in.

DEA burned me so it made me look enticing enough for Pale Horse to hire me. We took a gamble that they’d bite on my dubious departure from DEA and key in on the notion that I was as dirty as they come. They took the bait, so here I am.

There’s just one big problem with that. I also follow Jesus, have ever since 2009 when my life fell apart. Therein lies the rub. DEA had fit me well, and when this undercover assignment came around, I prayed over it. I actually felt God saying to take the assignment. It’s been hard.

Since I was “fired” by DEA for what appeared to be irresponsible behavior, I stopped going to church because of all of the stares and judgment I felt rippling off the congregation. That was hard since I’d been at that church for six years or so.

Then when I began working in Charleston, South Carolina, I found a new church, where I began attending. It was easy until I got that tattoo on my hand in 2019 that showed I was on the inside, especially when this guy who I sensed was law enforcement noticed it and remarked on it. After that, I stopped attending regularly.

Then came the pandemic when we were forced online. I did do an online men’s Bible study, and yes, that law enforcement guy was part of the group. Still, it was easier. It also gave me the fellowship I badly needed. Once things opened up in 2022 and the study went back to an in-person format, I dropped out on the pretext that my flying schedule had picked up.

Now, I only occasionally go to church. I do have daily time in the Bible, but I still feel like I’m losing my identity because I have no community.

Am I the Benito who follows Jesus, who is a son to two parents and brother to two sets of identical twins? Or am I a drug runner, someone who illegally transports drugs across the western hemisphere, even if it’s in the name of making an eventual bust? Only time will tell.

How can I reclaim my identity?